Thursday, January 25, 2007

who is my brother?

January 25, 2007 blog

Dealing with self-destructive people has been a theme in my life from earliest memory. Maybe you’ve experienced the same thing. Usually these people are addicts of some kind but sometimes not. They may be people who maintain control in their life by never taking anyone else’s advice or allowing a conviction they once form to brook any challenge or change, even though the ramifications in the life of the individual and those who try to relate to them is disastrous. The addicts may be easier because you can see what they’re doing pretty clearly if you’re around them enough, despite the barrage of defensive lies they tell and the numerous justifications they concoct for their actions. The other type can drive you crazy because you can’t see the substance that hijacked their brain, turning their thought processes to mush or rather to cement. The worse part is, that if exposed long enough to their rationale, your own brain can turn to mush and you’ll find yourself walking around in a constant state of confused double-mindedness. Of course they’re not trying to hurt themselves, you say, they’re fine. See them go. They work, eat, sleep, play, and create. No, you can’t get very close to them and they say and do things in those rare unguarded moments that make your skin crawl and their relationships in general are awful and unsatisfying to both parties, but gee, who’s perfect? Not me, that’s for sure. I’m just being paranoid maybe or judgmental or maybe what I’m seeing plays into my own fears – about me.

It seems to always come down to control, who has it. After years of struggle with these people, the realization slowly dawns that I sure as hell don’t, pardon my French. It’s obvious they don’t either or they wouldn’t be struggling so hard to keep a wall between themselves and the truth. What can chip through that wall? Should I be chipping at all; is it my business? That old question again, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” raises its head and echoes down through the ages from ear to ear, age to age. It is a question that deserves an answer. If anyone has one, I’d be most grateful to hear it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Get out of the way.

I’ve long been the queen of self-help. To some degree, I’ve been successful in helping myself by virtue of a regimen of constant reading and searching for answers to what I’ve perceived to be my many problems and utter lack of knowledge about how to resolve them. Problem is that self-help takes a lot of energy and when all is said and done, results in the accumulation of a handpicked storehouse of knowledge which may or may not be of the highest relevance and effectiveness primarily because, let’s face it, the person who amassed it didn’t know what she was doing to begin with. Do you see my point? It’s much like a mentally ill person diagnosing themselves and prescribing their own treatment. Not that I haven’t sought objective advice ever but even in that it was I who drove the process, fitting my choices into my already carefully constructed view of what constituted truth, justice, and the American way. Today the thought came to me, from on high I believe, that I should get out of the way, that essentially self-help is no help. I’m still struggling with that last part. In keeping with my desire for a more childlike (not childish, there’s a big difference) outlook on and approach to life, I should relinquish some of my habitual interference with the feeding and care of – me. Do normal, healthy children of good parents concern themselves constantly with these things or with the opportunities for growth and good progress that will be provided for them? No, they do not. They are busy playing. Play is their work and they work hard at it. Certainly they grow in their abilities and mature into big people who will eventually take their useful place in society. However, the manner in which they approach this new status will have everything to do with how successfully, in the fullest sense of that word, they will fulfill the position. Jesus, when questioned about who would be greatest in the kingdom of God, set a small child in the middle of the group as the answer. Interesting.

It’s a thought I want to pursue or perhaps more realistically, a directive to obey. It’s shouldn’t be that hard, should it? There’s probably a self-help book somewhere on the topic.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Access

January 9, 2007 blog

As I was spending quiet time with the Lord and journaling my thoughts this morning, it occurred to me that I was immensely grateful that, at any time of the day or night, I had access to Him. I could enter His presence simply by turning my mind to Him. What a privilege, I thought, and to be perfectly honest, there have been innumerable situations in my life that I wouldn’t have survived, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and even physically, had I not been able to do so. There have been instances when I was completely overcome with a sense of helplessness that only found remedy in prayer and the mysterious counsel that often serves as the sole answer. As a long time practicing Christian, this awareness of the benefits of access was not new and did not comprise what I’m considering for the purpose of these blogs, an odd thought, but what followed in my mind after my paean of praise and gratitude was the idea that perhaps, He did not have the same access to me and that the desire and need on His part was as great as my own. Imagine! Not that I think God requires my help to survive in any way. Yet, He has gone totally out of His way, putting Himself in some extremely awkward positions, if the scripture is to be believed, in order to convince the human race that this is His very desire, to have access to us, in the most intimate and purposeful of ways. Though I am never thwarted, other than by unbelief or guilt, in my attempts to contact Him, He regularly is when it comes to making conscious contact with me, because I’m a busy person and my mind is filled with the need to attend to the myriad aspects of my human existence that enable me to live in the civilized world with any success at all. I need to focus my attention and remember and make lists and take action or I will soon be left in the dust of failure, in my work, my human relationships, even in my spirituality. How can I possibly be expected to be readily available whenever the Almighty comes a-knocking? How do I know it’s actually Him after all? I don’t know to be honest. I haven’t received a satisfactory answer yet. I only know the thought was there and needed to be considered because it all ties in with finding my life’s purpose and being able to live it out, an endeavor foremost in my mind at this present juncture in my earthly life. The journey is a short one and can be interrupted at any point, without apparent reason or explanation so it’s vitally important to get it settled. Too many wrong turns can make you too late for the party after all and what a disappointment that is for all involved.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Take me to the playground, please.

So today I blog for the first time, letting a portion of the contents of my brain and soul spill out onto the internet for others to see, a feat I would have found impossible to dare to dare in the not so distant past. Putting my words out for others to read has been, in my mind at least, akin to standing undressed on a street corner. But here I am, having finally come to accept the fact that small children won’t be struck blind by the sight or gross humiliation my eternal lot. I was about to say that maturity has allowed me to be more accepting of myself and to take my public persona less seriously but perhaps it wasn’t that at all but regression. In any event, my ambitions and desire to communicate has overridden my fears at last so here I am.

I instantly liked the title of this blog site when it came to me. I firmly believe that God is constantly speaking into His creation in a variety of ways but especially through the human mind and mouth. Many of those thoughts are what we would consider odd, out of the range of the normal blather that comes to us from the media, the gossiping neighbor, or mate sitting across from us at the breakfast table. More often than not they spring forth from the mouths of children but then, who takes them seriously? I hope I can get out of the way with my maturity, education, and shyness, my desire to be “literate” and “professional” to be able to let these god-thoughts out without too much censor and censure.

My odd thought for today is that this world is one big playground for children of all ages and when we know that, our lives remain interesting and joyful, as they were before we discovered crises and problems and fear and got hooked on the rush. When I was a child, I played hard and found delight and motivation in every new experience and the challenges that accompanied them. I was not dull. I spoke my mind. I sang and danced freely and with little self-consciousness. I got lost in stories and could “hear” what they were telling me. I did forbidden things and got punished but that didn’t deter my spirit of exploration and invention – at least not initially. Eventually though, and I consider that day a day of death from which I had to be eventually resurrected, my spirit became sodden with worry and the main struggle of my life since has been to extricate myself from its shackles. I’m getting there and with the help of the god-thoughts and the children, I’ll recover totally.